Of all my life, i have learn and have always had the will to never regret... but at this point in my life, my will and my believe seems to have waiver...

and the countdown begines...

it shall at 22, as there is a significance to that number.. and like all countdowns, it shall end at zero.. i so wish that it wun end there... i so hope and pray that my will and determination, my believe will return..

but being disappointed over and over again wun help matters.. it wun improve things but just make it worst..

the countdown has begun.. and currently it stands at

Dear God, please dun let it go any further, please let me stay strong.. please let me be strong...

I am so darn cold rite now... My teeth are chattering and I am finding it hard to blog thanks to the cold and numbness of my fingers... My legs are shaking below my long skirt and all I feel like doing is to go into a long slow slumber...

its Friday once again.. "yipee".. Fridays are usually what I look forward too.. it marks the end of the working week and the start of the weekend.. it means times where I can hug my baby, go for walks at Bugis or some other area and gorge ourselves in delicious food.. it also means that while I count down to the time where I can clock off, I dun have to minus 1/2 hr to the timing as I clock off at the same time as him on Fridays...

but alas.. today the countdown will have no significance as we wun be meeting this cold and tired Friday.. I wun have the chance to feel his warm body snug closely to mine nor will I be able to stuff my cold hands into his back pocket while he sings the "groping" song, all out to irritate him.. nor will I be able to caress his tummy and call it my "xiao bao bao"..

nope.. today I wun be able to enjoy this small yet meaningful actions as he will be off for his company's dinner... not that I will be going home and deem myself lonely and lack of companionship.. nope.. I will be out at Vivo City together with my three close galfriends for an early Christmas Celebration....

usually I will be thrilled to be meeting them and catching up with them.. hearing all the lastest gossip that I usually lack far behind and laughing and smiling away... somehow the thrill and the excitment has died out from me today... maybe its becos of the cold.. maybe becos of my lack of sleep.. maybe its becos of my swollen eye or maybe, its becos somehow life seems meaningless now..

how I miss those times where I could laugh and smile freely.. with nothing to worry about.. nothing to think about... just purely enjoying the company of friends and love ones... it seems ages ago since I last felt like that.. but alas, it was only last week, a mere 5 days ago when I was feeling like the luckiest girl on earth...

How I wish I can go back to those wonderous days and just continue to live in that lifestyle.. no technology, no phone, no computer... just a few people and some consoles... and most importantly, alot of fun and laughter...

I miss those days where I could just cuddle him on the bed.. I remember clearly that the room was as cold as what the office currently is.. he would be there to wrap his arms around me and offer me his warmth and comfort... I miss cycling along the beach, amist loads of people and the light drizzle.. each encouraging each other to move on and to reach safely back at the chalet.. I miss the times we cook food for each other and feed each other... I miss all the teasing which will always be accompanied by laughter, smiles...

those were the days where I felt like I was the luckiest girl of all.. I needed no one and I needed no materials.. all I needed was his company and his love and I was in my own world filled with laughter and happiness...

I miss the days where I would await his message.. each unique in its own way and each expressing his deep feelings for me.. he did not have to type those 3 words.. but just the way he talk about his day made me know and undertsand that he was missing me and thinking about me all the way... I would eagerly await for his call to hear his cute voice which always perk me up and make me have a nice fuzzy feeling in my stomach...

but alas, these few days have just been filled with arguments..with tears.. without one of us knowing what is going on, and why the relationship is taking a turn for the worst..

he was very honest with me.. telling me how his feelings for me had drop quite a margin.. I did not know what to say.. I did not know what to feel.. well, I did not need to know, cos my heart suddenly felt restricted and pain.. that someone had just stab me and left me there..

I dun know why, but it seems like as one grows older, ones emotional stability and ones emotions tend to be unbalanced.. the simplest thinsg can make me smile from ear to ear.. yet its also the simplest things and words that can cause my tear gates to open and flood the entire face...

I wanted to do something stupid.. I felt the need to do something stupid.. but even with it in my hand and my hand exposed, I could not bring myself to d it.. cos I knew that in the end, I would just make him worry and feel angry.. I could not bring myself to hurt him and cause him more agony.. and so, all I could do was curl around Coco, and cry myelf to sleep...

I hate myself for this.. I hate it how I can't control my emotions.. how easily it is for me to just tear and feel weak... I hate it that I have gone dependent on someone knowing all too well that that person didn't like that feeling..

but love makes people do stupid things and definately cause people to think and feel differently.. even though how much hurt I have gone through, how many tears I have shed and how many times my heart ache and long, my love for him still remained...

it may seem like a burden, but to me its a blessing in disguise.. cos without this love, we may have broken up eons ago.. and the memories that we share may be more limited.. becos of this love, it has made me become selfish, yet it has also made me realise alot of things..

I am selfish.. becos of my love, I dun want to let him go.. becos of my feelings, I feel like we have a long way more to go and that gives me the determination to stay on and continue to fight for what I believe in...

a relationship can't purely survive on love.. I know that.. but I do hope that becos of love that it can help push the relationship on and hopefully on to newer and greater levels... I hope and pray that day by day, maybe his love for me will grow stong just like how my love for him has never waived...

oh God, all I ever wanted was a life with him.. with kids, a house and a dog.. all I wanted was to be happy and love and care for him.. but instead, I became greedy and became more possesive as each day progresses..

if the relationship does end, I have no one else to blame but myself.. blame myself for all the insecurities I have and for my low self-esteem.. blame myself for adding to the burden of my love one instead of reliving it.. blame myself for trapping the person that my heart feels so strongly for knowing how that person feels..

I have said ample times of how much I love him.. but do my actions convey my words.. does he see the way I do.. I hope so..

saying doesn mean anything, but doing does..

for this Christmas, nothing is more important to me then becoming the best gf that I can be... knowing that my relationship will work and my life will have its meaning once again...

God, please let me be strong.. please let me have the courage and ability to move.. to be able to continue to love him without adding to his burden.. to have the gift of just making him happy.. to take care of him and let him know i am there for him... let me not make him worry any more than he should.. and dear God, let us stop arguing.. bring us back to the days where we only knew what was happiness, hugs and smiles... please, i beg u...

Merry Christmas to all my friends, family and love ones.. I wish u all happiness for the many years to come and hope that u will be filled with many fond and sweet memories...

As for me, I shall go have a nice good cry in the privacy of a bathroom stall, and later, I shall meet my friends with a big smile on my face and with my heart full of joy and excitment...

I hope...

want to know what i am waiting for... hahaha... u will never guess.. hee hee.. kk... shall not torture u.. i am waiting for...

FREEDOM

yup.. in about an hour time, i will be free.. its going to get kind of boring and sianz.. but well, its not always that i get to enjoy such luxury...

now, if only i can make people disappear... then that will be the ultimate enjoyment... hahahaha...

dun understand what i am saying... stay tune to find out... hee hee..

i'll be back...

p.s i am not high..

hey hey.. haven been blogging much.. never seem to have the time or the correct mood to do so.. dun wan to have another depressing entry like the previous one... which reminds me, sorry for that anguish and depressing post... wa really in a very very bad mood... dun worry, no harm was done to anyone.. hahaha... ^_^"

anyway, was thinking of changing my blogskin... to signify the coming of the new year... lol.. but then pretty lazy to do so.. plus, haven spotted a skin that i actually like.,.. wondering how to create one of my own.. hmmm... mine will be dam simple... more or less just collage of pictures... hahaha....

i am a sentimental person.. a die hard romantic.. was clearing my room yesterday... got so many things.. mummy and sis was pushing me to get rid of my stuff... they also wanted me to keep all my stuff toys.. so tt it wun collect dust plus the room wun look so cluttered... FYI, the number of soft toys i have = 1 king size bed.. that of cos if i dun overlap them.. lol.. loads rite... there would be many more if my mum and sis never pyscho me to throw over the years... hahaha... but some were really old and getting dirty... so well..

anyway, yesterday me and my sis were squabbling away.. something that i haven done in a long time with my siblings... it went something like...

sis: keep all the soft toys lei.. esp the doggie (Don^don)... so dirty..

me: of cos dirty la. its been with me since 2 years ago and its the first soft toy i got from him (not counting moo^moo)

sis: dun care... doesn't look nice... the rest can leave it but the dog goes...

me: no way lo.. everything that isn't bought by him can be kept in the cupboard..

sis: ok.. we call a truce.. u can leave everything except the dog..

me: next time u got bf i make sure all his stuff kept high up in the cupboards...

sis: my bf wun give me such stuff.. i will have a practical bf...

me: u go find one first before talking so much... anyway, now u say la.. next time then we see how la.. confirm will give de...

sis: wun lo.. u wanna bet..

......

and it goes on and on and on... hahaha.... stupid sis... dam irritating la.. she is worse than mummy... dam naggy... when mum and dad were away for holiday, i called her mummy.. hahaha.. cos she was the one who was cooking, cleaning and nagging.. lol.. feel so paiseh.. elder sis but i am slacking away and behaving like the younger one.. lol... oh well, can't blame me.. was working most of the time.. lol...

anyway, i realise that once in awhile stay at home with family is actually not a bad thing (dear, keyword is once in awhile... hee hee) ever since started working, not much time spent with them.. my siblings were commenting to my parents how i need not know where the emergency stuff are cos i am never at home so no point telling me.. ouch,,, kk.. i get the BIG hint... hahaha... they miss me.. what to do.,.. i was always the one pampering them... use to buy stuff back for them or bring tt out shopping... ever since dun noe when it kind of stop... so...

anyway, i din meet dear cos he had to work the whole day... dam... hahaha... so i was stuck cleaning my entire room and the hamsters... (dear, u shall clean ur own by urself!!!!) hahaha... but k la.. it was fun... i burn a CD and played it on the stereo.. so basically the house was blasted with music.. hee hee...

now my room is neat and tidy... the way i like it to be.. its hell when sharing with my sis.. she is dam messy and untidy.. always have to clean up after her.. dam... hahaha... i shall dump her stuff on her side of the bed... tt will ensure she will have to clean up before she can sleep properly.. probably she will just dump everything on the floor or on my table... i am so going to pity her future bf.. hahaha...

anyway, so far life is pretty good.. except for my unsual and abrupt mood swings... poor dear dear... must tolerate me... i oso dunnoe wats going on... crazy hormones... hope the craziness ends soon...

i'm in a sucky mood right now...

he was supposed to reach by 1130 and then it has been extended to 1200... now, it has been extended to 1230... wonder how many more extensions will be coming my way... guys... thoughtless brats... or maybe its just tt i am not girl enough which results in me always being on time and thus having to wait for him... well, as it has always been said, he is more girl then i am and i am more guy then he is... tough luck...

its so great to finally be able to on my lappie and type something that its not related to school or work (although i do have some more assignments to complete, but well, its been some time since i procrastinate.. so give me some space)... its been a hectic month... with courses back to back and one conference after another... having two more next week... haiz.. the good news is that the part of how SIP cause people to slim down is finally taken its place...

haven been eaing properly and also haven been having a good stomach... i am just too tired to eat... haiz...

i'm having mood swings rite now... dam..well, girls, u know wht tt means.. after close to a year of wondering what was going on with my body, it finally has unleash... and unlike girls who are so darn eager for it to go away or how they moan and grumble of having it.. i am thrilled that it finally came.. after so darn long... i am just not use to the mood swings... dam...

how much can a person change over a period of time.. change as in change till the max.. change to complete improvement and nothing else except what was expected (cheme) well, after so darn long, i have come to realise that the answer is ZERO... a person wun change to the max... maybe a bit here abit there... but generally it all adds up to abit.. yeah yeah.. abit is better then none... but well, it defeats the purpose doesn't it... anyway, if u wan to know what the hell i am grumbling about, ask me nicely and maybe i will be nice enough to oblige you...

God loves me too much... seriously.. maybe he and saturn are having an overated fight over who loves me more and thus my life is endlessly thrown between heaven and hell... so one of the many question that i shall raise when i die is.. who won... who won that blasted fight that cause my life to be a never ending rollercoaster.... it should be an interesting question... haha...

i am tired.. i am sick of my life.. sometimes i just want to close my eyes and just bam wam be gone.. (too many shows.. tsk tsk)... i had a dream whereas i was brought to a place where i could just scream all my frustration away.. a place where i could just cry and no one would bother about me or care... if anyone knows such a place, be nice and share with me yeah... it will highly appreciated...

i am weird to the max.. at times, i like the attention i receive when i am sad and down.. but at times, the attention irritates me to the max... i feel suffocated and i feel trapped.. and hell, my parents are great at that... being their own daughter, their own flesh and blood, one would think that they will be supportive of their daughter especialy when one is crying her eyes out... but i have come to learn and understand that everything, every argument, every fight, every squabble is always my fault and no one else... great life huh...

sometimes i just want to run away from it all, sometimes i wish i can just live far far away and never come back.. i have been contemplating on a way to do so..but so far it fails cos of stupid money... money is the root of all evil.. this i totally agree.. espeally since it has brought me to hell rather than heaven..

i'm tired of feeling m heart ache.. i am tiredof thinking what the future may bring.. since young, i always knew what i want and will try the damnest to achieve it..but now, my life just seems like a blank.. i have no idea what lays before me.. and i have no idea what will i become..

i hate the person that i have become.. beneath all the make-up and dressing is someone foreign to me.. every little things make me aggitated.. every small thing makes my heart ache and the urge of wanting to cry my heart out.. instead of the strong girl that i once was and was able to portray, i seem like a helpless person right now.. even with many friends and family... life seems so empty and lonely once again...

and no, it isn't entirely his fault.. it isn't anyone's fault.. if i wan to blame, i shall blame in on God... but well, that can only be argued upon after i die..

it seem to talkabout dying too many times... hmm.. no worries.. i wun kill myself... i wun be like one of those many people i read in newspapers of how they succumb to their stress and give it all up... nah.. i wun be like them... the most i will do is go far far away... where i dun know a darn person and build my life up again...

u know whats the funniest things.. i actually had my day well plan today.. i was going to wake up early and have a nice long shower... i was going to blow dry my hair and then use the cream i bought and curl my hair... i was going to tie them in two pigtails and curl the ends... i was going to wear my comfy jacket with my comfy shorts.. than i will put on my make-up the way tt he likes it.. i will then leave the house a about 1120am... and await his arrival at the MRT station... we would go look and DVDS and maybe rent one or two.. then we would go shopping at NTUC and get all the yummy food... we would then head back to the house where i will cook all the delicious food while he sits in one corner and plays his gameboy... then, we would put on one of the shows, cuddle in each other arms and eat all the food... we then may rest awhile before goin on to the next show... before my family returns, we would go have a nice walk and maybe get a bubble tea and just sit somewhere and talk... then he will leave for home while i come home finish my work and have a nice shower before heading to bed..

but well, as nicely i have plan, my life always seems dam to go the other way.. so right now i am sitting at my desk.. writing this anguish and non-flowing entry.. my hair is in a mess.. i haven showered and my room is in a mess... my face isn't prettily drawn but instead, my eyes are red and pimples are everywhere... and bes of al, instead of feeling happy and excited to see him, i am feeling depress, lethargic and frustrated...

so peeps, as u can see, my life isn't pretty and my life is darn unpredictable... how exciting and how interesting u may think.. if that the case then i will be making an offer...

anyone needs an "interesting and exciting" life.. u can have mine... for free...