Dreams

Just finish reading a post by Matthew Zachary Liu on Facebook and I gotta say I love his style of writing. He doesn't use fanciful words but he writes from the heart. Very honest and very inspiring and most of his writing has left me pondering about my own life. Would usually check back on is Facebook everyday and even when he doesn't write anything new on his Facebook, I will just backtrack and reread his previous posts.

His latest post was talking about his new found dream which he will like to pursue. Being a speaker and writer. He spent the last 10 years trying to accomplish a different dream of becoming a radio deejay. And after realizing that that dream may never be able to materialize, he decided to plan a new path.

Which got me thinking, I've always been envious of people who knows what they want in life. Just like how E knows that she wants to work in the HTM industry or that the elder bro is enjoying his work as a photographer. Me? I've always struggled with this. I use to have one dream. A dream which I thought was the simplest of all dreams but has since proven to be one of the hardest - to settle down and have a family of my own. My dream was never to climb the career ladder or to make a name of myself in society. My dream was always to find my special someone and have my own kids. My own family. 

Which is probably why I did a silly thing of taking up a position that only paid me $1,600 even though I graduated with a double majors degree. At that point in time, I was happily in love with the guy whom I thought was going to be my last. The person whom I thought was going to help me achieve my dream. Hence, it didn't matter what job I took up as long at that point in time. 

Thankfully, the two years in that position didn't end up being a waste. As much as I told myself that I wasn't a career minded person, I manage to climb the career ladder quickly. Within a few months, I got promoted to Supervisor and within a year of joining the company, I became a manager, the youngest in the department. I also manage to get to know E on a closer level and met P and both of them are now by BFFs for life. 

What happen to my relationship? It ended. I was 24 at that time still working in my first job and the relationship ended after 6 years. I spent a quarter of my life, at that point in time, with him with my dreams centered around him and in a matter of days, that dream vanished.

I was heartbroken, I was distraught. I felt that whole life was crumbling down. I didn't know what I should be looking forward in life anymore. I was just going through the motions. Best part was that I was working in the tourism industry where I needed to interact with guests and ensure that they have a pleasant time. I had to put on a mask whenever I was at work. Smile and pretend that everything was alright when actually, I was hurting. I was hurting real bad and all I wanted to do was to curl into a ball and cry my heart out. 

That year, I took a lot of trips. I just wanted to escape from Singapore where all the memories were. I needed to escape. Each trip made me happier cos I was embarking on a new journey with friends. Exploring new sights, experiencing new cultures and trying to forget everything else that happen in life. But each time I was on route back to Singapore, the ache would return and I dreaded going home.

Home. That should be the place that I longed to be and the place I look forward to after spending time away from it. But that wasn't the case for me. I didn't want to go home. I wanted to continue to escape. I didn't want to remember the memories. I wanted to forget.

Fast forward two years later, I changed job but still I held on to the same dream. I was desperately trying to find my special someone. I wasn't going to give up on that dream of mine. All the romance stories that I read always had a happily ever after. Disney was making millions creating fairy tale movies. I wanted to have my own romance story. I wanted to be someone's princess. I wanted my happily ever after.

But I never manage to find that special someone. I continued to get my heart hurt by different guys and I fell into depression. It wasn't a serious case. I still went about my daily life and pretended to be happy. But whenever I was alone, I would just cry. Many times I contemplated just ending my life. It was too painful. My dream was never going to be accomplished. And I didn't know what else should I be aiming for in life.

Thankfully, an ex colleague gave me an advice which I will always remember; that I needed to have more than one dream. It was not that I was never going to be able to achieve that dream. But it never hurt to have more than one goal in life. Something else to look forward to while I still search for that happily ever after that I longed for. And so I went in search for a different dream, and I found it. I wanted to be a teacher.

It made sense. I love kids and I always have wanted to be a teacher since I was young. I wanted to play a part in children's development and mold them for the future. I wanted to inspire children. I wanted to be surrounded by pure innocence, curiosity and laughter. And so, I applied to enter NIE. It didn't matter that it would result in a significant pay cut. It didn't matter that I had to study again. It didn't matter that I would have to start from scratch. It was a new dream of mine and I desperately wanted it to materialize.

Unfortunately, I got rejected. For some reason, I didn't make the cut to be a teacher. Heck, I wasn't even given the opportunity to prove that I could make the cut to be a teacher. I was crushed. It didn't help matters that the guy I was dating, the guy whom I thought might help me fulfill my other dreams, was turning out to be a jerk. It didn't help that I was loosing motivation at work and was tired with what I was doing. It didn't help that I had a terrible two week vacation in Europe. Life was a mess. I was a mess.

But thankfully and slowly, I recovered. I started to stand on my two feet again. I resigned from my job and decided to take sabbatical leave. I didn't want to find a job for the sake of finding one. I was intending to take my time to figure out what I wanted in life. Those were the best 4 months. I went to get my diving cert, I spent more time with my family, with friends. I just chilled at home. I was happy.

Fast forward to now, I am currently in a new job. I decided that IT might probably be my niche even though I have never ever studied IT. I decided it was time to face life factually. I wasn't growing any younger. And the dream of settling down and having my own family was still there. But I knew that if I wanted to achieve that dream, I would also need the capital to do so. It was time for me to start living. 

Many days on this job I question whether this is what I really want to do. The fact that I have time to write this entry while I am supposedly should be working should say quite a lot. Many times I have contemplated on leaving. But then, where would that leave me. What was I going to do. The fact remained that I wasn't growing any younger. 

So right now, I'm facing reality. Working in a job which isn't anything remotely close to what I wanted. But everyday I tell myself, this is only temporary. One day I will fulfill my dreams of becoming a teacher. Even if MOE doesn't want me, I could become a tuition teacher or work at a tuition agency. But that would have to be put aside for now because that won't help make ends meet. That may not ensure a stable foundation for my future. But that dream is still present.

And so is the dream of finding that special someone in my life. Someone whom would love me for who I am and who sees a future with me. Someone who will be the father of my children and who will be by side growing old with me. But instead of trying to desperately making that dream become a reality, I am going to stop looking and wait for the right person to come into my life. Because that person is out there. He may currently be stuck in a tree or hidden under a rock but he's out there. I just have to wait for fate to bring us both together. Like my previous entry, I need to stop looking so that when love finally hits me, it will hit me hard and I will treasure and cherish that for the rest of my life. 

Hopefully along the way I will have more dreams and more things to look forward in life. It's ok to dream. But also, it is important to remember to live.