Rejection

"What if things go horribly after we meet? Maybe you wouldn't want to text me anymore"

"Why?"

"Because I'm not pretty"

She stared at her phone. Wondering how he would respond to her latest reply. She knew that she couldn't prolonged not meeting him anymore. After all, they have been messaging back and forth every single day for the past month. From a good morning message all the way to a goodnight message just before they went to bed. Each day she looked forward to seeing his message on her phone. And each time, the messages would always bring a smile on her face.

They had gotten to know each other through a social networking app. Both admitting to one another that they were bored and just wanted to use the app to kill time. Somehow, fate allowed them to be on using the app at the same time. He had selectively sent out messages to a few girls based on their online profiles, not knowing if anyone would reply. But for some reason unknown to her, she decided to reply his message and from there, things blossomed.

It started off with casual exchange of their lives. Where they studied, what were they working as now. The mundane and usual questions that went back and forth. But over the days as they shared more with one another, they realized the similarities they shared. They both had similar taste in music. Both love and wanted kids in the future. They bonded further over cute pictures of his nephew and of his passion with squash. Communicating with each other was effortless. The conversation just flowed freely and they could jump from one topic to another. 

What started out to be just casual friendly exchange of information became messages of deeper meaning. Hugs and kisses stickers were sent to one another as an in-explicit way to let each other know of their true feelings to one another. He admitted to her he felt bad when he didn't have time to reply her and she admitted that she would think about him when he was busy. 

Could two people really fall in love over texts? She couldn't say for certain for him, but she knew that she was slowly falling for him. It felt weird when she didn't receive a good morning message from him. She would check her phone periodically to see if her messages have been read and wondered when they were but no replies were received. She found herself waiting up just to know he had reached home safely. And didn't mind losing sleep to just continue text-ing him. 

"It doesn't matter how you look babe. Maybe you'll be the one who minds how I look instead. I promise we'll continue to chat and maybe even meet up more after our first date"

She read his message over and over again. She really wanted to trust him. In fact, she knew she did trust him based on the amount of stories and secrets she had told him about herself. But she lacked confidence in herself. A past experience had made her realize that guys were more superficial and long gone were the days when personality and character mattered. 

Deep down, she knew that they would eventually have to meet. And in the event if he did a disappearing act after they met then he was just a superficial jerk who wasn't worthy of her. But somehow, she still had doubts. She didn't want to get hurt again and she didn't want the messages to end.

"You promise that you won't MIA after we meet?"

"Yes babe. I am more interested in your personality and how you view life. As long as you don't have an additional eye or missing a limb, I don't mind how you look"

"Ok, let's meet up on Friday", she typed on her phone. Her fingers lingering over the sent button. Her mind having countless of arguments on whether she should send the message or not. With one deep breath, she plucked her courage and pressed sent.

.......

She stared at her phone. A read sign could be seen next to her last message but why.. why hasn't he replied at all? She went to Whatsapp and saw that he was last seen just a few minutes ago,

"Oh my god, have I stooped to such an obsessive stalking level?" she sighed. She knew the answer to that question and she deep down she also knew the reason why he wasn't replying her back.

She thought that their first date went well. They had decided on Thai for dinner and spent a good two hours sitting in the restaurant sharing stories with one another and enjoying their Tom Yum soup. There wasn't any awkward silence, not to her at least. They even went to take a walk along Esplanade over a cup of coffee and ended up sitting along the river for another hour sharing stories with one another. They had laugh and joked and he had eventually sent her to the train station and made sure she entered the train before he left to take a different train home. 

There was only one more reason left as to why he had decided to carry out the disappearing act; she wasn't pretty enough for him.

"I miss you..." - she began typing a new message to him.

Once again, her fingers lingered over the send button. Her brain having countless of arguments on whether she should press the button. She was afraid he would find her too clingy. But she miss him and worst of all, she hated not knowing why he disappeared on her. 

She closed her eyes, took a deep breath and against her own sanity... she hit the send button.

In a matter of seconds, a read mark could be seen next to her message indicating that he was reading the message. She clutched her phone close to her heart, waiting, hoping for his reply. She buries her face in her pillows, tears falling down her face, her heart aching. She wills herself to fall asleep so that she could escape this painful reality and forget. For awhile.

The reply never comes. She continues to fall. Disappointed. Crushes. Heartbroken. Her confidence shattered and a million question running through her head of why. Why did it end up this way.

People will tell her to move on. The he wasn't worthy of her and all he was is just a superficial jerk. They will pat her on her back, offer her words to console and tell her that she will meet the right one one day. Deep down, she knows whatever that was said is true. But still, the pain was still there. The pain of rejection. Her confidence was stabbed and she wonders how long would it take for her to regain her confidence again.

Days go by and slowly the tears start drying up. The smiles come back again and she goes through life's routines as she always had before. Before he entered her life. On the outside, she is the same bubbly and cheerful girl that everyone knows. But on the inside, she is different. Scarred. Hardened. Afraid. 

This is not the first time she has gotten her heartbroken. Falling in love is like a game. Having to repeat the level over again when one fails. But playing the game is tiring. It's confusing. It's uncertain. It's frustrating. It consumes so much energy, thoughts and nights. It's difficult to stop thinking about the person throughout the day. And it's even more difficult not to start imagining, start visualizing a future together with the person whom we have absolutely no idea what or how they feel about us.

She tells herself over and over that at the end of each cycle, she has had enough and is sick of this game called love. That she never wants to lose her heart to another again. But then. She has a dream. Her dream of having her own family. To find someone to love and whom will love her back till death do us part. Her dream of finding the future father of her children. Despite all the heartaches, she still dreams of her happily ever after.

At that moment she knew. She knew she would continue to play the game. Because she still dared to dream. And she would do anything to get that dream fulfilled.


.........

The above is a true story. My story. Of how I was rejected by someone just after one date. I wasn't expecting us to have a happily ever after just after one date and a month of excessive talking virtually. But I had dare to hope that maybe we will both give each other more chances and opportunities to see if we were the right ones for each other.

I tried finding out the reason, the reason as to why he was able to make a decision based on one date. But he chose not to share the reason with me. And since then, we have ceased to communicate. Not even as friends.

I wonder if my judgement for guys is just way off. What I thought was a decent guy who had more values and who had more foresight turned out to be a superficial jerk who only cared about what was on the outside. Or rather, that's what I am assuming since he doesn't wish to share his reasons with me.

I admit I was hurt. I was angry. But not only was I angry and upset with him, I was even more upset and angry at myself. Angry that I allowed myself to get hurt by such a person. Upset that while I made a resolution to let love pursue me and not get hurt because of love again, I still got hurt in the end. I was frustrated at myself for losing confidence in myself just because ONE guy had his own opinion of how beauty is suppose to be like.

But I know that I shouldn't let this affect me. I know that I shouldn't let him affect me. I was pissed at him. But now, I'm not. I've chosen to forgive him. Because continuing to be angry at him will only make me feel worse. And more importantly, it will just prevent me from moving forward. I should be glad that we met now and he rejected me now. If I had prolonged the meetup longer, I might have gotten hurt even more as I may have had invested my heart more. So there is a silver lining to this. It allowed me to wake up sooner rather than later.

And also, this has pushed me, motivate me to work harder at my goals. I'm not going to become pretty because of him, because the world is superficial. I'm going to become pretty cos I want to feel confident about myself. And I want to be healthy. And as superficial as the world is, I am still going to believe that there is someone out there who will love me for who I am inside more than what is on the outside. Because beauty will fade over time. But it's inner beauty that will last a lifetime.

Yes I was rejected. But from all this, I'm going to come out stronger. I just need to continue to believe. Believe in myself. Believe in fate. Believe that my happily ever after still exists.